It's dreary today. I felt fine all day until this afternoon and now it's dragging big time. I
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and my doctor said something that kind of struck me. He said emotionally each day should be better than the last (or the same--I asked). If things start going downhill instead of getting better then there is a problem. I don't feel better than yesterday, but I don't feel worse either. So that's good.
I was lurking around facebook today and reading about someone who I have heard a lot about. Kind of has a "reputation" if you know what I mean. This person is now in a long term relationship and seems quite happy with their life. I think they are doing well. So I have to wonder...does your "number" affect you later? I mean, say you get married--all you out there who have a) stayed a virgin till marriage or b) only slept with your spouse this does not apply to you. Well actually it does apply to you if you are (a) or (b) and your spouse has a little more history than that.
So anyway the point I'm getting at is that we're told (well many of us are told) from day one (in church) that if we happen to have premarital sex or more than one sexual partner that it will affect you FOREVER and ruin your future relationships and all sorts of other things that I just don't think are true. I mean, there may be a little residual effect but is it really the end of the world? And what are your experiences with this type of scare tactic for kids?
Now I know some people truly believe that this is the truth...that their marriage will be ruined forever by the ghosts of the past (even their past together!). I don't mean to mock this way of thinking but I just don't see how it is even remotely true if you have a healthy and loving relationship with your spouse. I realize this is diametric to what I am supposed to believe as a Christian (and not just a Christian in name either, I truly am).
Isn't it interesting that in theory I agree with the not having sex until marriage camp but just don't see it in practicality? To be quite honest sometimes I see some of my friends who I *know* (and by know I mean I'm pretty sure) waited until marriage and wonder if perhaps on the day they got married they found that they had no sexual chemistry, he couldn't get it up, she only allows him to do it missionary style, he or she has such a low libido that they never want to do it, she can't do it with the lights on, etc. etc.
Surely this only happens to a minority of people, but really only a small minority of people actually wait until they get married. Something like under 10%.
So then, what in the hell do I tell my son and any future children about this little sticking point? Ah the thoughts of parenthood. Hopefully I don't have to (really) worry about this for another 16 years or so. Hopefully.
Isn't this an odd thing to be thinking about right now?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Measure of Faith
What measure of faith have you been given?
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith."
Romans 12:3-6
I was in church yesterday and the message my Pastor gave us was interesting. He spoke about how God is preparing us to come into contact with someone either to speak to them or have them speak to us. To teach or to be taught. I never thought of it that way but have had several instances in my life where this has been true. I wonder what God is preparing me for right now.
Also, I was thinking that this experience of Allison being stillborn has in some ways been easier to deal with that my first two pregnancy losses. The reason being that with those no one acknowledged them. Now we are getting cards and stuff so I feel like people knew she was actually a baby that we lost. I am still sorrowful, but it helps that people realize it.
Secondly, I have a face and a name to put with this loss of our baby. The others were too early, too young to have names and faces and therefore it was hard to grieve those losses. I am thankful that we had Ally for as long as we did, and got to see her sweet little face and hands and feet, and to hold her for a short period of time before we had to say goodbye.
I have been thinking about the saying that the more faith you have the more will be expected of you. I thought that perhaps it was true, or maybe hard times beget more faith? I'm not sure. My grandmother had a brother die in WWII, a baby die around 20 weeks, her husband die (when she was 30 with 4 kids under 7 at home), and another adult child die. Along with her grandparents, and parents when they were fairly young. That woman seems to be made of steel. Perhaps the most faithful woman I have ever met. And prayerful. Not without flaws of course but she has somehow made it through all these things relatively unscathed. Or seemingly so.
And I also think of Job (bible). Poor guy. But same story there. More faith, more trials.
I am not lumping myself together with these people though. I just look to them when I start thinking about how unfair life is and start feeling sorry for myself. Tony is also a "buck up" kind of guy. He doesn't like it when I get all sorry for myself and usually tells me how lucky I am to have such a great family, and shouldn't I focus on that instead? The answer is yes, I should. Do I always? No.
I have so much more to say but things around the house desperately need to get done and I have to do them.
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith."
Romans 12:3-6
I was in church yesterday and the message my Pastor gave us was interesting. He spoke about how God is preparing us to come into contact with someone either to speak to them or have them speak to us. To teach or to be taught. I never thought of it that way but have had several instances in my life where this has been true. I wonder what God is preparing me for right now.
Also, I was thinking that this experience of Allison being stillborn has in some ways been easier to deal with that my first two pregnancy losses. The reason being that with those no one acknowledged them. Now we are getting cards and stuff so I feel like people knew she was actually a baby that we lost. I am still sorrowful, but it helps that people realize it.
Secondly, I have a face and a name to put with this loss of our baby. The others were too early, too young to have names and faces and therefore it was hard to grieve those losses. I am thankful that we had Ally for as long as we did, and got to see her sweet little face and hands and feet, and to hold her for a short period of time before we had to say goodbye.
I have been thinking about the saying that the more faith you have the more will be expected of you. I thought that perhaps it was true, or maybe hard times beget more faith? I'm not sure. My grandmother had a brother die in WWII, a baby die around 20 weeks, her husband die (when she was 30 with 4 kids under 7 at home), and another adult child die. Along with her grandparents, and parents when they were fairly young. That woman seems to be made of steel. Perhaps the most faithful woman I have ever met. And prayerful. Not without flaws of course but she has somehow made it through all these things relatively unscathed. Or seemingly so.
And I also think of Job (bible). Poor guy. But same story there. More faith, more trials.
I am not lumping myself together with these people though. I just look to them when I start thinking about how unfair life is and start feeling sorry for myself. Tony is also a "buck up" kind of guy. He doesn't like it when I get all sorry for myself and usually tells me how lucky I am to have such a great family, and shouldn't I focus on that instead? The answer is yes, I should. Do I always? No.
I have so much more to say but things around the house desperately need to get done and I have to do them.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Being Mom
The other day while I was at my Dad's house he told me he had found some paperwork of my Mom's. As we looked through it, it didn't seem all that significant. Some college receipts, some old college report cards. But then I stopped to think about how often my Mother had talked about college and her grades and how disappointed she seemed that she had never finished. At the time (and I still feel this way), I took it to mean that she was regretful that she had children so young. But my Dad says that she desperately wanted children. After losing two at 20 weeks she had my brother and me. At the time my Dad was still in school and they had to live on something so they both had to work. I guess she dropped out of school to have kids.
He held up the paperwork to me and said, "Really, this is a lot of your mom's life right here in this paperwork." She saved it. So it must have meant something to her. I can't recall a report card I've ever saved. I'm not that sentimental, and besides--I can get it all online now. Although when I think about my mom at my age I think I am something like her. I get my love of consignment shops, antiques (not the same kind she liked though), iced tea, and slight obsessive compulsiveness from her.
Sometimes I feel like she is gone forever but find myself doing things that she used to do. She could never sit and watch a movie and as a kid it annoyed me to no end. She would get up, walk around, stand and watch the movie--she would never sit down and watch it. Now one of Tony's major complaints about me is that I can't just sit down and watch a movie. It takes me 4 hours to watch a movie because I pause it constantly and do other things. It drives him crazy. I never used to be like this so it's odd that I do it now.
I'm like her in that I feel like I am just about to find some treasure in an antique shop, a consignment store, or an old furniture store. I have once or twice. I walked into a furniture store shortly after I had my son, saw a chair and thought "this is the one". It's a feeling I have only had one other time and that was when I knew I was going to marry Tony. :)
I am so particular about my type of decor that I have lived in my house 3 years and have nothing (or nearly nothing) on the walls. Not because I don't want to but because I haven't found the perfect thing. I think the other day I saw something I like but I'm still thinking about it. I would rather have my ugly green, hand me down, dog smelling, back-cushionless couch in my living room than a couch that does not fit my idea of how I want my living room. I'm pretty sure I get all these tendencies from my Mother.
I find myself putting water in a measuring cup and heating it up, then putting a tea bag into it and letting it sit and steep for a long time like she did. So much so that Tony often asks me why there is tea sitting on the counter and whether or not I'm drinking it. I have to explain that I'm not drinking it now, but plan to at some point.
I was looking at old family pictures (like from my last post) and in all the family pictures (mom, dad, Nate, and me) she never smiles. Never. She does smile when she is holding one of us kids. I know I'm not like her in that way. I love to be with my family (including my hubby). I am happiest when I am with Tony and Holden.
All of this got me thinking about what you do when your dreams have come true. If you have a longtime dream, and it's finally come true--you have all the things you thought you wanted--what do you do then? Make new dreams? Be content? Do you think that contentment breeds complacency? I'm not sure. I do know that when I look around I have most everything I have dreamed of my entire life. Minus the most recent heartaches--but no one plans for those anyway, even though perhaps they should.
This post is getting too long and rambling, so I'm just going to close with: Happy Mother's Day.
If it's not such a happy day for you, I wholeheartedly understand. I'm with you in the ranks of 'just getting by' on Mother's Day. Here is another blog for you to read if this is you.
http://blog.todayschristianwoman.com/editors/2009/05/the_messiness_of_mothers_day.html
He held up the paperwork to me and said, "Really, this is a lot of your mom's life right here in this paperwork." She saved it. So it must have meant something to her. I can't recall a report card I've ever saved. I'm not that sentimental, and besides--I can get it all online now. Although when I think about my mom at my age I think I am something like her. I get my love of consignment shops, antiques (not the same kind she liked though), iced tea, and slight obsessive compulsiveness from her.
Sometimes I feel like she is gone forever but find myself doing things that she used to do. She could never sit and watch a movie and as a kid it annoyed me to no end. She would get up, walk around, stand and watch the movie--she would never sit down and watch it. Now one of Tony's major complaints about me is that I can't just sit down and watch a movie. It takes me 4 hours to watch a movie because I pause it constantly and do other things. It drives him crazy. I never used to be like this so it's odd that I do it now.
I'm like her in that I feel like I am just about to find some treasure in an antique shop, a consignment store, or an old furniture store. I have once or twice. I walked into a furniture store shortly after I had my son, saw a chair and thought "this is the one". It's a feeling I have only had one other time and that was when I knew I was going to marry Tony. :)
I am so particular about my type of decor that I have lived in my house 3 years and have nothing (or nearly nothing) on the walls. Not because I don't want to but because I haven't found the perfect thing. I think the other day I saw something I like but I'm still thinking about it. I would rather have my ugly green, hand me down, dog smelling, back-cushionless couch in my living room than a couch that does not fit my idea of how I want my living room. I'm pretty sure I get all these tendencies from my Mother.
I find myself putting water in a measuring cup and heating it up, then putting a tea bag into it and letting it sit and steep for a long time like she did. So much so that Tony often asks me why there is tea sitting on the counter and whether or not I'm drinking it. I have to explain that I'm not drinking it now, but plan to at some point.
I was looking at old family pictures (like from my last post) and in all the family pictures (mom, dad, Nate, and me) she never smiles. Never. She does smile when she is holding one of us kids. I know I'm not like her in that way. I love to be with my family (including my hubby). I am happiest when I am with Tony and Holden.
All of this got me thinking about what you do when your dreams have come true. If you have a longtime dream, and it's finally come true--you have all the things you thought you wanted--what do you do then? Make new dreams? Be content? Do you think that contentment breeds complacency? I'm not sure. I do know that when I look around I have most everything I have dreamed of my entire life. Minus the most recent heartaches--but no one plans for those anyway, even though perhaps they should.
This post is getting too long and rambling, so I'm just going to close with: Happy Mother's Day.
If it's not such a happy day for you, I wholeheartedly understand. I'm with you in the ranks of 'just getting by' on Mother's Day. Here is another blog for you to read if this is you.
http://blog.todayschristianwoman.com/editors/2009/05/the_messiness_of_mothers_day.html
Thursday, May 7, 2009
You look great! Have you lost weight?
I love my dad very much. As we were looking at (old) pictures of everyone because my brother was searching for our home videos and couldn't find them he said,
"You were really skinny then too." to me. And I couldn't help but say,
"Yeah dad, that's because I didn't eat." And I literally didn't eat. The picture was from 11 years ago when I was 16. And had an eating disorder. And worked out 4 hours a day.
So I have to admit I get a little prickly when anyone mentions my weight. Especially RIGHT AFTER I have a baby. Seriously. I'm willing to give him a break because he just had brain surgery but I probably would have laid into him if not for that simple fact.
To be honest I get cranky when anyone mentions my weight period, even when I'm not pregnant, just been pregnant or about to be pregnant. I hate it even when people say "You look great! Have you lost weight?"
I'm not sure exactly what compels people to say such things. Maybe they think this is a compliment? I'm not sure. Just so you know, it's not a compliment. If you think someone looks great, just say, "You look great!" Omit the weight part. If you don't think they look great, don't say anything.
It's like people who say, "You look tired." I know that I look tired, you ass...I haven't slept for a year of COURSE I look tired. I'm not speaking to anyone in particular just that general comment gets to me. But I digress.
Obviously I'm a little cranky today. Forgive me, I promise the next post will be all sweet and rosy. I will talk about how much I love being a mother for my mother's day post (even though I hate mother's day), and I will not complain once about how I haven't had much sleep in a year.
I hope that you all are doing well in internetland, do any of you have blogs I can read? I get bored with the same old blogs I always go to. There is nothing more fun than going to my bookmarked blogs and seeing that my favorite bloggers have posted something new or finding a new blogger that I love reading about.
"You were really skinny then too." to me. And I couldn't help but say,
"Yeah dad, that's because I didn't eat." And I literally didn't eat. The picture was from 11 years ago when I was 16. And had an eating disorder. And worked out 4 hours a day.
So I have to admit I get a little prickly when anyone mentions my weight. Especially RIGHT AFTER I have a baby. Seriously. I'm willing to give him a break because he just had brain surgery but I probably would have laid into him if not for that simple fact.
To be honest I get cranky when anyone mentions my weight period, even when I'm not pregnant, just been pregnant or about to be pregnant. I hate it even when people say "You look great! Have you lost weight?"
I'm not sure exactly what compels people to say such things. Maybe they think this is a compliment? I'm not sure. Just so you know, it's not a compliment. If you think someone looks great, just say, "You look great!" Omit the weight part. If you don't think they look great, don't say anything.
It's like people who say, "You look tired." I know that I look tired, you ass...I haven't slept for a year of COURSE I look tired. I'm not speaking to anyone in particular just that general comment gets to me. But I digress.
Obviously I'm a little cranky today. Forgive me, I promise the next post will be all sweet and rosy. I will talk about how much I love being a mother for my mother's day post (even though I hate mother's day), and I will not complain once about how I haven't had much sleep in a year.
I hope that you all are doing well in internetland, do any of you have blogs I can read? I get bored with the same old blogs I always go to. There is nothing more fun than going to my bookmarked blogs and seeing that my favorite bloggers have posted something new or finding a new blogger that I love reading about.
Monday, May 4, 2009
My dog is acting out. So much so that he has run away EVERY DAY for the past 4 days. And most recently he was enclosed in a large kennel (18 X 5) inside our fenced yard and still escaped. I'm at my wits end. I don't want to give him away, but we obviously aren't taking very good care of him or he wouldn't be so desperate to get away.
I know that it will only be for a brief period of time when we are away from home so much, with me being in the hospital and now with my dad's recovery. I use the term recovery loosely, since I haven't seen him since last week, but I expect that he is improving. I have spoken with him on the phone every day, and sometimes he seems worse than others. Sometimes I have trouble understanding what he means when he is trying to tell me something and other times he sounds like himself again.
I told Tony I feel like I lost my baby and my dad in the same week. I know my dad is still here but it's not really like I can talk to him like I used to be able to. He is busy trying to recover. I hope that his brain recovers quickly and that they can get the rest of the tumor with radiation. I'm frustrated that there isn't anything I can do to help (or at least it doesn't feel like it). Wrangling a one year old with a huge incision across my abdomen is about as much as I can do at the moment. I guess I can't be expected to do much more than that.
I am going to head out there and stay at dad's house to help him if he needs it. He can get around just fine but I think gets a little tired and confused sometimes, and Tina had to go back to work this week. My brother is coming to town on Wednesday so I think that will be a huge relief for everyone, even though he will only be here until Sunday it will help.
Above I posted a picture of my two favorite people in the world. It really doesn't relate to this posting, but I love them so much and they are so cute I had to post it.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Tips
Tips for talking with someone who has experienced a stillbirth:
Say the baby's name, please! It lets the parents know that you think of the baby as a person.
Remember dad. He lost a baby too.
Don't use clichés. Don't tell the family that this is for the best, that the baby is in God's hands (they want the baby in their own hands!) or that an angel will be watching over them. Just tell them you're sorry and give them a hug.
Please, never say to anyone, "You will have more children." You do not know that for sure. To the grieving person, this comment is fraught with pain. You are not validating that they are grieving and have suffered a loss. A simple, "I am sorry," does wonders in a moment when you don't know what to say.
Say the baby's name, please! It lets the parents know that you think of the baby as a person.
Remember dad. He lost a baby too.
Don't use clichés. Don't tell the family that this is for the best, that the baby is in God's hands (they want the baby in their own hands!) or that an angel will be watching over them. Just tell them you're sorry and give them a hug.
Please, never say to anyone, "You will have more children." You do not know that for sure. To the grieving person, this comment is fraught with pain. You are not validating that they are grieving and have suffered a loss. A simple, "I am sorry," does wonders in a moment when you don't know what to say.
Tony and I had a nice day alone together because his sister offered to watch Holden for the weekend. I also went to visit my dad on Thursday. I felt pretty good when I left to go see him and not so good on the way home.
I know he just had brain surgery, so I would expect him to be tired and confused. I wasn't quite as prepared as I could have been. He was just very different, and it worried me. I know that he will gain most of it back, but then there's the radiation for him to go through. I'm just emotionally drained and feel like I don't have much to offer him (them) as they go through all this.
People keep asking how I am, and the truthful answer is not very good. I cry at least once a day. I think I'm doing pretty well considering how the last week and a half has gone though. From prior experience I know that things will get better. It may not be very soon, but they will get better.
A month goes by, and then two, and then a year, and then five. And you feel better. I know my sweet child is in a much better place than here, but like I told Tony, I'm still here and she is there so that thought doesn't give me as much comfort as it probably should. But those thoughts help him get by so that makes me glad. I am so lucky to have such a great husband.
He always tells me we used up all our luck on each other.
I know he just had brain surgery, so I would expect him to be tired and confused. I wasn't quite as prepared as I could have been. He was just very different, and it worried me. I know that he will gain most of it back, but then there's the radiation for him to go through. I'm just emotionally drained and feel like I don't have much to offer him (them) as they go through all this.
People keep asking how I am, and the truthful answer is not very good. I cry at least once a day. I think I'm doing pretty well considering how the last week and a half has gone though. From prior experience I know that things will get better. It may not be very soon, but they will get better.
A month goes by, and then two, and then a year, and then five. And you feel better. I know my sweet child is in a much better place than here, but like I told Tony, I'm still here and she is there so that thought doesn't give me as much comfort as it probably should. But those thoughts help him get by so that makes me glad. I am so lucky to have such a great husband.
He always tells me we used up all our luck on each other.
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