I wouldn't say I have ever been a fiery, emotional type of person except perhaps occasionally as a teenager.

I probably intellectualize more than I should and sometimes I think, believe less than I should.

A little bit too cautious, one of those people who detests gambling and day-trading. Heck, I am even hesitant about bonds and mutual funds although I know that is really the only way to benefit from compound interest...but I digress.

In school we did simulations where they have this insanely expensive mannekin (that is really how it is spelled) that can do all sorts of semi-realistic things like blink, and blood pressure and pulse and such.

The simulation director sits in a separate room watching you on camera and can talk as 'the patient' through a microphone. Following this experience we were forced to watch ourselves 'perform'. I have seen myself on camera acting (as in a musical or play) but never on camera as just myself.

I guess I always shrug it off when people tell me I seem so reserved. I didn't really believe them until I saw myself interacting as myself on camera. Am I really that quiet in real life? I seem so calm, when I am often feeling high-strung and anxious.

When I saw myself, my mannersims reminded me so much of my mom.

I seemed like a totally different person than I am in my head. In my head I have so many creative ideas and opinions and I began wondering why I speak so few words.

I don't feel insecure in groups, or about my thoughts or ideas...so what could it be that keeps me so buttoned up?

Maybe that is why I enjoy blogging so much, because I can tell you...the big YOU out there what I am thinking without having to verbally express it.

Saving the parts I am not ready to tell yet, and taking the time to say exactly what I mean.

Exactly who I am right now. Or who I perceive myself to be.

Holden and I were driving on 14th St. in Lincoln today and there was a Goose and her Goslings crossing the 4 lane road. I slowed down and pointed them out to Holden.

"Look Holden! The Goose is crossing the road with her babies!"

In typical toddler fashion, he said,

"Why?"

I smiled (and I really said this),

"To get to the other side!"

BWAHAHAHA! Never thought I'd get to use that one in real life.

I miss my dad today.

I know this may sound totally spoiled but I miss the way that as an attorney he could fix problems with just a simple, well worded letter. The encyclopedic way he knew to call the public service commission or the attorney general's office with certain problems.

I miss my free lawyer, confidante, mentor.

As I am crying my sweet son crawls in my lap and says,

"Why are you crying mommy? Don't cry, don't cry."

I guess it's my reminder that as long as I am able from now on I am to be a free nurse, confidante, and mentor to the sweet child in my arms.
Even when he gets too big to snuggle into the crook of my arm and sweetly say,

"Don't cry mommy. You got cry on me!" He wipes his leg and his spongebob pajama pants and starts jumping on the bed again.

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams."

I was just reading a great post from a friend and it reminded me how much courage it often takes just to be ourselves. It may have taken me awhile to get here (at almost 30 years old), but now when someone questions my decisions/abilities/strengths I am able to look them in the eye calmly and smile. I don't go home and start crying because I fear they are right. We all have our insecurities, but decision making is no longer one of mine.

On the journey I have realized that no matter what it is I am doing, I can always change it. I don't have to be stuck in one place simply because my pride tells me I should be or I feel like I should be happy there. Should is a word I have started to ignore and instead put in words like desire, motivation, determination, vocation. It's a whole lot easier to get up in the morning and get moving when you have a vision for what God has called you to do.

I think God often lets us decide how we want to get there because we learn so much more along the way than we would if we did it all the quick and easy way from the gate. Sometimes it is a 2 year plan and sometimes it is a 40 year plan.

I have so much respect for people who continually seek to be inspired & challenged beyond what has already been accomplished.



"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

American Dreams

Now I just have to take (and pass) the Big Test. And then I will finally, finally be a RN.

The house contract fell through. I am not upset by this. The hubby and I have since had quite a few discussions about whether we can truly afford something if we have to take out a loan on it.

The consensus was no.

*Please make note here that this is not a judgement on other's choices. I don't really care what you do. I am only commenting on my personal situation and have neither the time nor the inclination to comment on anyone's life but my own. And since this is my blog...comments solely pertain to my life.*

It wasn't a particularly happy 'no' consensus by either of us, but undeniable that the uneasy feeling I got when I signed the purchase agreement for that house was probably not a good sign. I became even more uneasy upon the *contingent upon loan approval* part, and then even more so when I saw the good faith estimate. Which is not the reason the agreement fell through and only somewhat related to the point of this post.

I am sort of coming to terms with the fact that I may not be able to live with myself living in a house that I can't pay for in cash. But oh, how I want a spacious kitchen with miles of solid surface countertops and a large marble-top island for baking. I would very much like those things.

I suppose we all make our concessions for certain aspects of our lifestyles. I have so many vices, I'm not sure it is in my best interest to add a white picket fence to the list. Maybe a cheap efficiency apartment?

Negotiation

One of my nursing instructors told us today that he doesn't believe in nurse's intuition. Some nurses will say 'I just had a feeling'. He says he doesn't believe in 'that feeling' but in subtle nuances in assessment data that lead the nurse to call the MD in the middle of the night while their patient is seemingly doing fine.

Call it intuition or whatever you want but I'm feeling that way about my in-progress house purchase. Whenever I have had this gut feeling in the past it usually meant I was going the wrong direction (with the purchase, not the move to a new city--just to be clear). My realtor called me this evening to tell me our new demands based upon the home inspection might blow the deal. She tried to convince me to change my mind.

In no uncertain terms I basically said with all due respect to your hard work, when I'm spending that much money I'll make all the demands I feel necessary and to hell with the deal (if that is the case).

The secret to negotiating is to never want it too much. There are other houses, and if we don't get this one we will get a different one.
I need to reduce the stress in my life.
I'm...almost...there.

I graduate this week!!

If you thought I was going to write about Easter you'd be right.

However, it's more to tell you about my trip to the E.R. (felt like an idiot--but had to go...).
I woke up at 7 ish with a migraine. I said woe is me I don't get to watch Holden find eggs etc., etc., then asked Tony to put some blankets over my windows so it wasn't quite so painful.

3 hours later my son and husband were in Lincoln at Easter and I woke up again in so much pain I was crying and very nearly throwing up. I had already taken aspirin so I knew the only thing I could really do was get to the hospital and get an antiemetic and a pain pill. But I really, really didn't want to go. Especially for a migraine.

Anyway, I am fine. A liter of fluid, zofran, phenergan, and norco and although I'm not a totally new person I am able to open my eyes and walk around. Which is more than I can say for Sunday.

We bought a house. I'm graduating next week. Tony is graduating in two weeks. Holden turned 3 last week. I've been missing Ally and my dad for two years now. Our adoption meeting is May 9th.

I. am. tired.

That is all I have for now because my child is still awake and I have to go get him to sleep.