Holden

I haven't written much about Holden lately because I've been a little self-involved. He spent last weekend with his grandma and Tony has had to do most of his care since then because I can't lift him yet (or shouldn't lift him, I could lift him if I had to). But this morning Tony is getting a little bit of sleep and I am sitting here feeding him banana (which he loves) and thinking about what an interesting little person he has become.

Lately it seems that all of the things he has been observing for the last year are coming together in his mind...he's been stacking blocks, and pointing at everything he sees, trying new words, climbing on things (or trying to). All of a sudden he just became this little person with lots of skills beyond crawling and pooping. I enjoy watching him learn these things. I think sometimes it's more fun for me than it is for him to find he can do new things.

I have enjoyed each new stage even more than the last, although they do make me a little sad because my boy is never going to be (insert age here) again. He is also such a happy boy and easygoing, nothing like my personality--he is way more like Tony than me.

I am so blessed.

We are going to visit my Dad today, so hopefully he is feeling ok. I wish we could take Holden in to see him but in ICU I don't think they allow kids. I wish they did because I think it would make his day much better if he got to see Holden. Maybe later this week.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth
Psalm 121:1-2

I was standing at Allison's gravesite today holding Tony's hand. It was a beautiful spring morning, about 50 and sunny. We found a spot at a big cemetary, it is tucked back in a very quiet space, very peaceful. As I was standing there and listening to this scripture being read I was very grateful. And awestruck.

I stood pondering how 'the Maker of heaven and earth' cares for me so deeply. That even as he does these fantastic things (like creating heaven and earth) he is still very real and very much a part of my life. Sometimes when people die you can feel a whole lot of emptiness. I remember that feeling from when my mom died. It is the feeling that God has turned away, that he is there but not there in a sense. Whether true or not, that is often the feeling many people have when death happens to a loved one.

Thankfully, I haven't felt that at all this time. I have felt enveloped, protected, like someone is hugging me and truly have found that He is the God of all comfort.
I'm not saying that it's not going to be hard. It's going to be very hard still, but I don't feel like this is a dark night of the soul. I feel like it is a chance to learn something about myself, my family, and my marriage.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:6-9

I received a phone call tonight about 10:50 p.m. My dad came out of surgery okay, but is still in the ICU. He will probably be there for a little while until they are sure he is stable (no brain swelling, etc.). I am calling again tomorrow morning to get an update but things are looking pretty good. Hopefully this is the beginning of a long and strong recovery. They had to send the tissue to pathology to see how malignant it may be, in which case I would think they would "top off" the surgery with radiation or chemo (usually they use radiation for brain tumors). But first things first. Dad has to recover from the surgery before any of that.

As for me, I need to get some rest. Please keep praying for us all.

Phantom Kicks

In the last few days I have had "phantom kicks"--feels like a baby kicking but obviously is not. I'm sure the brain has a lot to do with them, somewhat like phantom limbs. My milk came in about two days ago and I am still engorged and in pain, but not as bad as yesterday. Funny how I thought I had supply issues but it still hurts like crazy to be engorged. I don't really know what else to say. The memorial is tomorrow at 11, and then we are going to relax as much as possible, although I will still have to wait and see how Dad's brain surgery went (it starts tomorrow morning for 5 or more hours) (could this week get any worse, really? Dare I even ask?) We had two different people stop today and drop off casseroles which was really really nice, and although I haven't had much of an appetite I really appreciate it. I'm sure Tony does too.
Here is what will be printed inside Allison's memorial card:

Our beautiful daughter Allison,
Having you with us was one of our greatest blessings,
with deep sorrow we must say goodbye.
It is a comfort to know that our sweet Ally is in our Father's hands forever.

"Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1-2

On Thursday, April 23, 2009, Allison Christine Jacobsen was born at rest. She was 1 lb. 8 oz. and 12 1/2 inches long and born at 2:13 p.m. Just wanted you to know. Kara is physically recovering from her c-section at the hospital until Saturday or Sunday. We will be having a small burial service for Ally next week. We would really appreciate your prayers right now.

We went into the doctor on Thursday morning because she wasn't moving and found that she had no heartbeat. I had a c-section that same day. The doctor believes it was a cord accident. I may not write for awhile, taking some time off to recover physically.

Well, Holden's party was fun. It was a lot of work, but fun. We pretty much only had family there and it was mostly Tony's family. Holden enjoyed his cake and I only had a couple teary moments (thankfully not at the party).

I was thinking last night and today about how nice it is to have Tony home all the time. When he was in the Marines it was phone calls every night for an hour or so and that was it, but now I can sit an talk with him after Holden is in bed for an hour or two. Those are my favorite nights. Sometimes I also get frustrated living so far away from things, especially friends, but on nice spring nights (before the mosquitos come) we can sit on our front patio and watch the beautiful Nebraska sunsets since we have a clear horizon West of our house. It's nights like that I'm glad we live where we do, although sometimes I still long to sit by the ocean and watch it roll in for hours. Maybe when we retire.

Also, I'm excited about garage sale season! It's about that time, and I'm thinking of having one of my own this year because I have tons of crap to get rid of.

I haven't felt much like writing in my blog lately, so sorry to those of you who come here and find that I don't post very much. I'm going to try to do it at least twice a week from now on.

Party

I love to plan parties. I always have. At the moment some of the logistics aren't coming together very well, simply because there's not a whole lot of time and with a one year old it seems like nothing much gets done...generally speaking.
I do have his Easter pics. He had a lot of fun picking up things and putting them in his basket. Can't wait until his b-day to watch him with cake and presents. Should be fun.

Feeling better today, a little sleep did me worlds of good. Today is Holden's year check up at the doctor and I'm not looking forward to him getting shots (if he is supposed to get any). Also not sure how I am going to get out of the driveway since apparently they've diverted all westbound interstate traffic past my house until this afternoon. Hmmm...

I feel like I have been waiting forever for my next ultrasound, which isn't for another 4 weeks! We aren't even positive that the baby is a girl yet since the first one was so early...but as of today I am 24 weeks pregnant! I am feeling fine, but starting to get more tired as I get closer to the 3T.