You should've seen it in color

I have a photo that hangs on my wall...a collage of photos, really. It is Tony and me in 2004, blissfully in love and totally unaware what would happen the next day. I had long blonde hair and a blue shirt, my arms draped around his neck as he sat in a lawn chair on my dad's lawn. It was early May and my brother had just graduated from college.

Tony was on leave from the Marines and in Nebraska for a week. I was working as a seasonal employee at a state rec area. It was the type of unbridled happiness that only a person newly in love and 22 years old can feel.

When I walk by the photo sometimes I am wistful and sometimes impressed that the two of us managed to make it through all that. That I managed it, and that I found a man strong enough to walk with me through all of the pain of parents and babies dying.

And then I realize I am just 30. And I think oh, crap.

Someday I will be strong enough to hang up that black and white professional photo of Allison Christine's tiny little feet cradled in Tony's hand. Someday I will walk by it and not feel that choking feeling up in my throat, like I'm going to cry.

Sometimes I glance at my sweet girl Halle Marie while she is sleeping and am startled because she really does look like her sister. I immediately have to put my palm on her chest to make sure she is alive, real, breathing...

She really is a wonderful baby. All fuzzy hair and little grunts and deep blue eyes. She is already on her own schedule which I am particularly impressed with because Holden still doesn't have any semblance of a schedule and he is almost 4. Proof that it is in fact not my bad parenting but that some children are just more...challenging...than others.

...And poop on the wall

Red wine, a dozen roses, steak and mashed potatoes...and a screaming baby.

Welcome to Valentine's day as a 30 year old.



I know you have probably been waiting for an update so I am happy to introduce
Halle Marie born 2-1-12 6 lbs 12 oz and 19 inches long.

She was an easy baby for approximately the first week. I think she was too tired to fuss. Now, not so much. 5 different formulas later and we aren't much closer to figuring out what her tummy troubles are. I'm thinking silent reflux and we have a doctors appointment tomorrow.

One major benefit of already having had a child is that now I don't doubt myself as much as I did with the first one. If this doctor tells me it will pass or ignores my concerns I will probably fire him.
But he seems reasonable. All we need is a little Zantac or something to try.

The c-section went great overall, the only two problems were me vomiting through the beginning of the surgery because of vagal nerve stimulation and little Halle being in the nursery/NICU for the first 24 hours because of her difficulty breathing (which is pretty common with c-sections).

The little gal looks just like me as a baby...only cuter. But I may be a wee bit biased. She is very very sweet and we are very lucky, although it will be an adjustment for all. Holden is doing very well as a big brother.

Happy belated Valentine's Day. Hope you actually got to eat your steak and drink your 4 oz. of red wine, and most of all that you spent it with the people you love the most.