The counselor I went to see (quite awhile ago now) told me that this summer and fall might get progressively worse emotionally before they get better (instead of better gradually and continually--which is what happened when my mom died).

She was right.

I am struggling in my clinicals--though not academically or practically...just emotionally. I think I'm burned out, but don't know how that is possible when I'm not even working as a nurse yet.

I'm too emotional. Things that never affected me before affect me now.

All I want is to get off the floor and work somewhere happy and not too stressful. Like mother/baby or in the nursery. Or surgery, where the procedure is done and then the patient is gone. Or same day surgery where relatively healthy people walk in and right back out a few hours later.

Anywhere but somewhere I have to delve into medical histories and personal histories and try to manage everyone else's problems along with my own emotions for 12 hours. Or spoon feed people who are never going to get better and die in an institution.

It's depressing the hell out of me.

I guess I just didn't realize how much those 9 months on the other side of the hospital room door as family and caregiver affected me. Now every time I walk onto the floor of the hospital I have to work to distract myself from thinking of my dad.