Holden

I haven't written much about Holden lately because I've been a little self-involved. He spent last weekend with his grandma and Tony has had to do most of his care since then because I can't lift him yet (or shouldn't lift him, I could lift him if I had to). But this morning Tony is getting a little bit of sleep and I am sitting here feeding him banana (which he loves) and thinking about what an interesting little person he has become.

Lately it seems that all of the things he has been observing for the last year are coming together in his mind...he's been stacking blocks, and pointing at everything he sees, trying new words, climbing on things (or trying to). All of a sudden he just became this little person with lots of skills beyond crawling and pooping. I enjoy watching him learn these things. I think sometimes it's more fun for me than it is for him to find he can do new things.

I have enjoyed each new stage even more than the last, although they do make me a little sad because my boy is never going to be (insert age here) again. He is also such a happy boy and easygoing, nothing like my personality--he is way more like Tony than me.

I am so blessed.

We are going to visit my Dad today, so hopefully he is feeling ok. I wish we could take Holden in to see him but in ICU I don't think they allow kids. I wish they did because I think it would make his day much better if he got to see Holden. Maybe later this week.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth
Psalm 121:1-2

I was standing at Allison's gravesite today holding Tony's hand. It was a beautiful spring morning, about 50 and sunny. We found a spot at a big cemetary, it is tucked back in a very quiet space, very peaceful. As I was standing there and listening to this scripture being read I was very grateful. And awestruck.

I stood pondering how 'the Maker of heaven and earth' cares for me so deeply. That even as he does these fantastic things (like creating heaven and earth) he is still very real and very much a part of my life. Sometimes when people die you can feel a whole lot of emptiness. I remember that feeling from when my mom died. It is the feeling that God has turned away, that he is there but not there in a sense. Whether true or not, that is often the feeling many people have when death happens to a loved one.

Thankfully, I haven't felt that at all this time. I have felt enveloped, protected, like someone is hugging me and truly have found that He is the God of all comfort.
I'm not saying that it's not going to be hard. It's going to be very hard still, but I don't feel like this is a dark night of the soul. I feel like it is a chance to learn something about myself, my family, and my marriage.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:6-9

I received a phone call tonight about 10:50 p.m. My dad came out of surgery okay, but is still in the ICU. He will probably be there for a little while until they are sure he is stable (no brain swelling, etc.). I am calling again tomorrow morning to get an update but things are looking pretty good. Hopefully this is the beginning of a long and strong recovery. They had to send the tissue to pathology to see how malignant it may be, in which case I would think they would "top off" the surgery with radiation or chemo (usually they use radiation for brain tumors). But first things first. Dad has to recover from the surgery before any of that.

As for me, I need to get some rest. Please keep praying for us all.

Phantom Kicks

In the last few days I have had "phantom kicks"--feels like a baby kicking but obviously is not. I'm sure the brain has a lot to do with them, somewhat like phantom limbs. My milk came in about two days ago and I am still engorged and in pain, but not as bad as yesterday. Funny how I thought I had supply issues but it still hurts like crazy to be engorged. I don't really know what else to say. The memorial is tomorrow at 11, and then we are going to relax as much as possible, although I will still have to wait and see how Dad's brain surgery went (it starts tomorrow morning for 5 or more hours) (could this week get any worse, really? Dare I even ask?) We had two different people stop today and drop off casseroles which was really really nice, and although I haven't had much of an appetite I really appreciate it. I'm sure Tony does too.
Here is what will be printed inside Allison's memorial card:

Our beautiful daughter Allison,
Having you with us was one of our greatest blessings,
with deep sorrow we must say goodbye.
It is a comfort to know that our sweet Ally is in our Father's hands forever.

"Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1-2

On Thursday, April 23, 2009, Allison Christine Jacobsen was born at rest. She was 1 lb. 8 oz. and 12 1/2 inches long and born at 2:13 p.m. Just wanted you to know. Kara is physically recovering from her c-section at the hospital until Saturday or Sunday. We will be having a small burial service for Ally next week. We would really appreciate your prayers right now.

We went into the doctor on Thursday morning because she wasn't moving and found that she had no heartbeat. I had a c-section that same day. The doctor believes it was a cord accident. I may not write for awhile, taking some time off to recover physically.

Well, Holden's party was fun. It was a lot of work, but fun. We pretty much only had family there and it was mostly Tony's family. Holden enjoyed his cake and I only had a couple teary moments (thankfully not at the party).

I was thinking last night and today about how nice it is to have Tony home all the time. When he was in the Marines it was phone calls every night for an hour or so and that was it, but now I can sit an talk with him after Holden is in bed for an hour or two. Those are my favorite nights. Sometimes I also get frustrated living so far away from things, especially friends, but on nice spring nights (before the mosquitos come) we can sit on our front patio and watch the beautiful Nebraska sunsets since we have a clear horizon West of our house. It's nights like that I'm glad we live where we do, although sometimes I still long to sit by the ocean and watch it roll in for hours. Maybe when we retire.

Also, I'm excited about garage sale season! It's about that time, and I'm thinking of having one of my own this year because I have tons of crap to get rid of.

I haven't felt much like writing in my blog lately, so sorry to those of you who come here and find that I don't post very much. I'm going to try to do it at least twice a week from now on.

Party

I love to plan parties. I always have. At the moment some of the logistics aren't coming together very well, simply because there's not a whole lot of time and with a one year old it seems like nothing much gets done...generally speaking.
I do have his Easter pics. He had a lot of fun picking up things and putting them in his basket. Can't wait until his b-day to watch him with cake and presents. Should be fun.

Feeling better today, a little sleep did me worlds of good. Today is Holden's year check up at the doctor and I'm not looking forward to him getting shots (if he is supposed to get any). Also not sure how I am going to get out of the driveway since apparently they've diverted all westbound interstate traffic past my house until this afternoon. Hmmm...

I feel like I have been waiting forever for my next ultrasound, which isn't for another 4 weeks! We aren't even positive that the baby is a girl yet since the first one was so early...but as of today I am 24 weeks pregnant! I am feeling fine, but starting to get more tired as I get closer to the 3T.

Today I about came unhinged on my husband. I sheepishly admit it, and I'm going to go ahead and blame being pregnant, although I suspect it was the hour of crying--I mean really crying--that my sweet boy did today in the car on the way home.
It all began this morning, when I not only didn't let Holden play on the floor, after this egregious sin I put him in the car seat and made him go all the way to Lincoln, sit in a restaurant, drive to a friends house (during which he fell asleep in the car). Drive all the way across Lincoln to run errands (still sleeping), and finally head home. This trip began at 11 a.m. and ended at about 4 p.m.
I might also add that although he had regular food he didn't get any milk for lunch. Then when I offered him milk on the way home it was TOO COLD (at least judging from his response) and NOT IN A BOTTLE! Sooooo for 30 minutes of the drive home he cried. This is after my friend who was in town to meet me for lunch commented the entire day about what a good baby he was. And he is--he has never cried like that in the car before.

Anyway, I happened to speak with my husband around the end of the crying jag when we had just arrived home, where he proceeded to let me know that he wasn't going to be home tomorrow night (and he is gone tonight too), effectively leaving me to care for Holden for approximately 60 hours straight on my own. I have done this before but it is not pleasant. I don't think I could hack it as a single parent. At this point while we were on the phone I was yelling at the cat who just came up to me and bit me (for reasons unknown, I think she wanted water) and trying (still) to get Holden to calm down.

So now I feel remorseful about flying off the handle (a little), but still wonder how my DH would fare with a 60 hour alone time with a one year old. It got me thinking about taking a mini vacation by myself--maybe to a spa...

Okay, in all fairness he did find someone to watch Holden tomorrow while he is at baseball practice (yes, baseball practice...do you see why I was cranky?). So I will have time tomorrow night to get my homework done and get a few hours to myself. Thank goodness. My short freak out turned out to be unnecessary.

Also this week we are getting ready for Holden's bday party on Saturday. I'm more nervous about his grandmother staying in my dirty house than preparing for the party itself. How stupid is that?

Thursdays

I love Thursdays! Even though today is rainy and cold I still love it, and even though tonight I will be home alone with my little guy all night until 11 or so I still love Thursdays. The reasons are twofold:
1) Tony only works 4 days a week so he has Fridays off and I get to sleep in sometimes!
2) It's almost the weekend
And, also this weekend is a holiday and I like holidays. That means the grandparents will be around to fawn all over my son so that I get a break. AND this weekend my basement is getting drywalled which I am pretty excited about since we've been wanting to get it finished. We won't get the carpet for a few months probably because I want good padding and it's expensive! But as soon as I feel like spending that $1000 for carpet it will get done. And it will be before the baby comes.
My dear husband likes to come up with "propositions" and no, not that kind. Nearly every day he has a new "proposition" for me involving either some scheme he has cooked up for the weekend, or something he would like to buy or do. I told him two days ago that I was declaring an indefinite moratorium on his propositions, but it did not deter him. This week he is trying to figure out a way that he can get the computer hooked up to our 42" TV so that he can order MLB over the computer and watch every single baseball game this summer.
I'm not quite as thrilled with this plan as he is. But I'm not totally opposed to it either. At least he is creative. His pitch is that we can watch tv shows through the internet directly to the TV. Or we can use the huge TV as a computer monitor. At this point I asked, "Isn't that why we bought the laptop? So that we can take it in the living room and be on the computer?"
Apparently bigger is better. Especially when it comes to baseball.

Easter

I don't have much to say lately. I've had a pinched nerve in my neck since the end of December and it's giving me a lot of trouble lately. I've pretty much had a headache since December 27th (and I am not exaggerating there, I really have). Physical therapy and the chiropractor haven't helped so I may just have to wait it out until the baby is born so that I can have an MRI and hopefully a neurologist or pain specialist will be able to help. Until then I guess it's just tylenol and heat. I suppose a massage couldn't hurt either. That's pretty much what they do at physical therapy anyway--heat, electrical stimulation, massage. Only a regular massage would be way cheaper than physical therapy.

In more happy news, baby girl Jacobsen should be about 1 lb. by this week. She is moving around a lot. This pregnancy is much different because I don't have any time to think about it. With Holden, that's all I did was think about it. So this one seems like it's going much faster. (Except for the headaches).

Our Easter plans should be fun (dyeing eggs and Easter egg hunt in great grandma and grandpa's backyard--barring any rain of course), but I have to wonder what the Easter bunny should buy for Holden? He's not going to remember and his birthday is the week after Easter. And he doesn't eat candy, so....not sure there. I did buy him a couple of books. He loves books, but not for the reading. He likes to take board books and try to rip them apart. He has been fairly successful thus far...hence the having to buy new ones.

I will post pictures of the first Easter egg hunt. I'm sure it will be interesting.

Cute Little Man

I think Holden looks like his daddy in this picture. I had to post it because I love this pic!

Questions

I start my class tomorrow and am looking forward to it. It ends in the beginning of June, which I think will be okay since I'm not due until the end of July. I will probably be pretty tired by then though! Holden has had a rough couple of nights because he is teething, but really after a year of it, getting up twice a night doesn't seem as bad as it used to. Especially since he has been sleeping through the night for the last several weeks (that certainly makes one or two nights easier to handle!).
I'm planning on starting school again next March and having mixed feelings about it. On one hand I really want to finish school. On the other, I really want to stay home with my kids. I don't want to have to take them to daycare (even two days a week--that's all it would be). I just think it's better for the kids to be here with me than at daycare, but I also see the benefit of having him/them with kids their own age. But we go to playgroup so Holden already gets that now, albeit once a week.
What's driving me really crazy is NO ONE ever talks about this part of motherhood. I talked a little with my Dad about it, and he said that my mom never really made any money because it pretty much all went to gas and daycare (when I was a kid). And I can see that some women just aren't cut out to be at home all the time, it would drive them stark raving mad. But then I think about how nice it would have been as a kid to have my mom around all the time and that's when it starts getting confusing for me.
I like working, not even so much about having an income, but just enjoy getting out and being with people. But I like being the first one to experience everything with my son, too. I like that the first time he said a word (and it meant something) I was there...and I like being the one going into his room when he wakes up from his nap and getting huge smiles from him. I can't imagine someone else doing that for me. I wouldn't want anyone else doing it (except Tony).
I want to know that he isn't eating junk, and brushing his teeth, and getting all the love an attention he needs (and the right discipline when necessary). In other words, I'm a control freak.
I have plenty of other SAHM I know in my family and circle of friends--actually probably more that stay at home than work full time, and yet for some reason I still am left with the feeling that it's not valid as something to do (compared to working outside the home). And I'm not sure why. This is a constant struggle, and a confusing one (as you can tell). Where did I get this idea? And isn't feminism about being able to choose, not feeling like you have to work outside the home?
The only thing I know at the moment is that almost a year has gone by already in Holden's life, and if they all go this fast I don't want to miss anything. They say the first 3 years are the most important for development so we're almost a third of the way through that already! Whew! Is it normal that his first birthday makes me sad because it means he's not a baby anymore?
So many questions.

Bottle Battle

My kid won't drink from a cup. I don't know if other mothers have this problem but it has caused much gnashing of teeth at my house as of late. The entire day I would only let Holden drink from a sippy cup or regular cup. As a result, he didn't drink much. By 6 p.m. he had had 10 oz. of milk/formula mix. If you aren't aware, a one year old should be getting 16-24 oz. of formula a day (and he is usually on the 24 oz. side of it). So then between 6 and 8:30 p.m. Holden drank 16 more ounces of milk/formula! My poor baby was starving! Maybe this was a rookie mistake? Tony ended up giving him a bedtime bottle at 8:00 (for comfort and to get that baby some fluids) and he ate 10 ounces in one sitting. Don't worry, we brush his teeth after bedtime bottles and before we lay him down in his crib.

I must admit I feel a little guilty. But I don't want to ruin his little teeth either by letting him keep having a bottle well into his second year. Questions to ask the doctor I guess. I don't want to make it a battle but he is a stubborn little guy. I wonder where he gets that?

He is doing pretty well on his cold turkey from the pacifier. I am quite impressed with his progress there. Unfortunately he is also teething (getting one of his bottom front teeth), so I think that is complicating things (like giving up the bottle).

I'm getting sick again (cold) so I really need to be getting to bed. Will write more tomorrow.