Questions

I start my class tomorrow and am looking forward to it. It ends in the beginning of June, which I think will be okay since I'm not due until the end of July. I will probably be pretty tired by then though! Holden has had a rough couple of nights because he is teething, but really after a year of it, getting up twice a night doesn't seem as bad as it used to. Especially since he has been sleeping through the night for the last several weeks (that certainly makes one or two nights easier to handle!).
I'm planning on starting school again next March and having mixed feelings about it. On one hand I really want to finish school. On the other, I really want to stay home with my kids. I don't want to have to take them to daycare (even two days a week--that's all it would be). I just think it's better for the kids to be here with me than at daycare, but I also see the benefit of having him/them with kids their own age. But we go to playgroup so Holden already gets that now, albeit once a week.
What's driving me really crazy is NO ONE ever talks about this part of motherhood. I talked a little with my Dad about it, and he said that my mom never really made any money because it pretty much all went to gas and daycare (when I was a kid). And I can see that some women just aren't cut out to be at home all the time, it would drive them stark raving mad. But then I think about how nice it would have been as a kid to have my mom around all the time and that's when it starts getting confusing for me.
I like working, not even so much about having an income, but just enjoy getting out and being with people. But I like being the first one to experience everything with my son, too. I like that the first time he said a word (and it meant something) I was there...and I like being the one going into his room when he wakes up from his nap and getting huge smiles from him. I can't imagine someone else doing that for me. I wouldn't want anyone else doing it (except Tony).
I want to know that he isn't eating junk, and brushing his teeth, and getting all the love an attention he needs (and the right discipline when necessary). In other words, I'm a control freak.
I have plenty of other SAHM I know in my family and circle of friends--actually probably more that stay at home than work full time, and yet for some reason I still am left with the feeling that it's not valid as something to do (compared to working outside the home). And I'm not sure why. This is a constant struggle, and a confusing one (as you can tell). Where did I get this idea? And isn't feminism about being able to choose, not feeling like you have to work outside the home?
The only thing I know at the moment is that almost a year has gone by already in Holden's life, and if they all go this fast I don't want to miss anything. They say the first 3 years are the most important for development so we're almost a third of the way through that already! Whew! Is it normal that his first birthday makes me sad because it means he's not a baby anymore?
So many questions.