LBD

You know, it's pretty damn depressing when I go to Target, find a cute black dress, hold it up and say,

"I could wear this to my dad's funeral."

You should have seen my poor friend's face when I said this today. We were rifling through sweaters to find the perfect one, because if you have more than a B cup most sweaters are out. Unless you want to look like you gained ten pounds in ten seconds.

My dear friend is always pulling accessories out for me to try and telling me they go together, but I have no funky style, and no Tim Gunn standing in my bathroom mirror telling me to "make it work" in the morning, so I tend to just try on that cute outfit and then take it off, throw it on the floor where it gets dog hair all over it, and find a sweatshirt. Because it is cold here. And I don't care what you say, hosts of What Not To Wear, a sweatshirt is more comfortable than your stupid cute outfits.

And friends who read this, you should also note that if all of a sudden you think it's a good idea to submit me to What Not to Wear to be embarrassed on national television we would not be friends for very much longer. Just had to make sure and tell you that.

Okay, so I'm not that bad. I clean up real nice.

I have the house to myself for two nights in a row. The only other living thing here is my cat (and possibly some mice that may be living outside under the stair to my garage). On a side note, I think my dog ate the peanut butter off the mousetrap. Wish I could have watched that go down.

Anyway, house to myself...

It is (was) my mom's birthday today. My brother emailed me and called me and told me what he did to remember her today. Then I felt guilty because all I did to remember her today was try to distract myself into forgetting. Although I did have a few moments with my dad where I was sobbing--but that was really unrelated to my mom being dead and more related to his impending death.

Today I also almost went and wrote the check for my daughter's headstone but thought better of it. My new rule for myself is: You only have to deal with one death at a time. Today and for the duration until he dies, grieving will be for dad.

It is quite important to have coping mechanisms like these, because when you look at me and wonder to yourself how I do it: that is how I do it. Break it into smaller things and it doesn't feel quite so big and quite so unbearable. All things that can be put off until tomorrow are put off until tomorrow. Case in point:

I'm going to sleep now.