It ain't just a river in Egypt

I was on a walk the other day with someone I would consider a new friend. Although we have known each other for quite some time, we were never friends until recently. She has been one of the most supportive people so far in this recent loss. Most people just don't know what to say, so they say nothing.

She has emailed me asking how I am doing, telling me she is praying for me, spending time with me. At first I was nervous because I don't really know her and I take a very long time to make friends. I'm kind of hard to get to know. But I am quite loyal once I make a friend, even to the point where I don't get rid of them if they betray me. That is a fault I have. I'm starting to drift from the topic at hand...

Anyway, the other day she asked me how I was feeling about Ally. She even used Ally's name. No one has asked me that for a few weeks. People start to forget, and it happens with every loss. I do it too. I try to remember people's losses but just get so busy and since the person isn't here anymore--it's hard to remember that they lost someone. But it is really important to do that for people. Just to let them know their loved one isn't forgotten. So if you're reading this, I want you to know what a nice thing you did for me that day.

Tony is gone tonight to a party for charity, and I have been sitting here trying to study while watching NCIS. I quit studying and since then (an hour ago) the tears have been rolling. I'm not alone very often with my thoughts, and I realize I have been avoiding myself. For six weeks I have been avoiding myself.

I wouldn't call it denial, but maybe the sister of denial. Avoidance. I've been avoiding thinking about my daughter. Trying not to think about what I will say when people ask how many children I have. Distracting myself with housecleaning and school so that I don't cry.

It is surreal. I know I held her and touched her and I remember what an active little baby she was when she was inside. I've been trying not to think about how now my children will be so far apart in age. It won't be so bad, I keep telling myself. We don't always get what we want. God has a plan.

I just wish He would calm the storm a little bit.

Instead of thinking about formula and diapers and little pink outfits I'm left thinking about how to scrape the paint off my windows so I can repaint them, how to landscape my yard, buying a new couch, how many calories are in an egg roll, should I start paying on my dad's life insurance? And is Holden still breathing in the other room?

How do you miss someone you never really got to meet? Ally looked a lot like Holden. Same cute nose and lips, and I know she would have had blue eyes. She also had really long feet like Holden did when he was born. It's strange but the one thing I've missed is people asking how we picked our name. Everyone asked with Holden and I liked telling the story.

I'll tell you her name story. I liked the name Allison and told Tony that I wanted to use it, and he didn't want to because his grandma is named Alice and there are already two cousins named after her.
We decided long ago that we wanted literary names (from famous books). Then I realized that in the book The Catcher In the Rye the character Holden has a brother who died named Allie, so we nixed the name Allison because I thought it would be bad luck.

As it turns out, our luck was bad. So I thought the name Allison was perfect. Holden's sister ended up being named Ally. After her great-grandma and The Catcher In the Rye.

I packed up Allison's stuff a couple weeks ago. I had two packages of diapers, one newborn and one size 1/2. I know at least 4 different families I could give these diapers to but I just can't. I couldn't bear to give them away because that would mean giving away her things. I packed them away in the storage bin, hoping that someday we'll get to use them on one of her siblings. Or maybe when it doesn't hurt so much we'll find someone else to give them to.

I have finals tomorrow so I need to get to bed. Less thinking, more sleeping.