I am completely exhausted. Some may be due to pregnancy, some may be due to the last week and a half. I took the 2 hour drive on Tuesday this week to spend the night at my Dad's house because WH had sooo much homework and I knew he wouldn't be able to get it done with Holden, Me, and the dogs there (I took two of the dogs with me). I called my Dad on Tuesday morning and asked if Holden and I could come and stay for the night. My poor Dad was all worried that I was having marital problems, so then I had to spend like 20 minutes explaining why WH needed a break to do work and how I have a happy marriage.
So anyway, now that he's more rested I am more frazzled...because trying to keep track of Holden in a new environment is a lot of work. And my Dad let him eat dog food again. Yes, choking hazard I know, but apparently Dad doesn't take that as seriously as I do.
So now that I'm all frazzled I can't stop thinking about school and how in the world I'm going to get it done. Because I am hell bent on getting it done before my kids get into school. Or before they even remember me not having a degree. I'm not sure why I think it's so important, because realistically, the degree I get isn't really going to get me much of a job, but it's better to have one than not have one, and I also think it's important for my children to see that their parents got through college.
So I have 50 credit hours left and 4 years to finish. That doesn't sound hard at all, especially since it's all online. I could finish in 1 1/2 years full time (but I won't go full time). I think part of the way I'm feeling is pressure from his family. They seriously act like it's crazy for me to want to stay home and God forbid I don't have a degree. I guess they think I will be doomed to a life of poverty? His mom especially feels that way, but she has been divorced twice and was a single mother for many years so I can see where her concern is coming from. At the funeral last week a family friend actually said to me, "So you're staying home." And it wasn't in a nice way. I could hate my job, but I better have that degree to prove I'm worth something in the world.
That is frustrating. Especially since I love staying home with my boy so much. And WH loves for me to stay home with Holden too. And I know what a disadvantage I will have when I do go back to find a job. I will be in my 30's going against kids who have no responsibilities and lots of time to spend on their jobs. I will have sacrificed a lot careerwise, but I really do think it's better to stay home with the little ones.
Gosh, this being a mother is much harder than I had imagined. Let's not even get into how you feel like you start to lose your identity when you have children (that is another post for another day). However frazzled I may sound, I know that I have been richly blessed and lucky to get to choose what I do.
I think I just need a nap. Things always look better after a nap.
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