I'm starting to feel the weight of the enormous amount of responsibility that has been thrust upon me. It is hard to be an advocate for someone when I am knocked over from time to time by waves of intense grief at the situation I am standing in.
I've never felt quite like things matter as much as I feel like they do now. It's almost as if every move I make now needs to be fast, efficient because time may be of the essence. I feel like if I don't do a good job advocating for certain things right now, it will be too late to do so and all that wasted time will be on my head.
It seems the more I want things to slow down, the faster they accelerate, spinning into a nightmarish series of events that I have absolutely no control over--as any illusion of control I once had has been wiped away even harder with each new turn of events. Like a mirror with streaks--each swipe of cloth makes more of the streak disappear.
The one thing I do know is that God is in control of this situation. It feels somewhat like walking in on the middle of a chess game, trying to figure out how the players are strategizing. Perhaps I should stop trying to figure it out. In the words of Doris Day...que sera sera?
Either way, I still sort of feel like I'm in that nightmare where you show up for class and there is a test that you forgot you had. Totally unprepared. For almost everything.
(Should I see how many more metaphors I can use here?)
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