The other day while I was at my Dad's house he told me he had found some paperwork of my Mom's. As we looked through it, it didn't seem all that significant. Some college receipts, some old college report cards. But then I stopped to think about how often my Mother had talked about college and her grades and how disappointed she seemed that she had never finished. At the time (and I still feel this way), I took it to mean that she was regretful that she had children so young. But my Dad says that she desperately wanted children. After losing two at 20 weeks she had my brother and me. At the time my Dad was still in school and they had to live on something so they both had to work. I guess she dropped out of school to have kids.
He held up the paperwork to me and said, "Really, this is a lot of your mom's life right here in this paperwork." She saved it. So it must have meant something to her. I can't recall a report card I've ever saved. I'm not that sentimental, and besides--I can get it all online now. Although when I think about my mom at my age I think I am something like her. I get my love of consignment shops, antiques (not the same kind she liked though), iced tea, and slight obsessive compulsiveness from her.
Sometimes I feel like she is gone forever but find myself doing things that she used to do. She could never sit and watch a movie and as a kid it annoyed me to no end. She would get up, walk around, stand and watch the movie--she would never sit down and watch it. Now one of Tony's major complaints about me is that I can't just sit down and watch a movie. It takes me 4 hours to watch a movie because I pause it constantly and do other things. It drives him crazy. I never used to be like this so it's odd that I do it now.
I'm like her in that I feel like I am just about to find some treasure in an antique shop, a consignment store, or an old furniture store. I have once or twice. I walked into a furniture store shortly after I had my son, saw a chair and thought "this is the one". It's a feeling I have only had one other time and that was when I knew I was going to marry Tony. :)
I am so particular about my type of decor that I have lived in my house 3 years and have nothing (or nearly nothing) on the walls. Not because I don't want to but because I haven't found the perfect thing. I think the other day I saw something I like but I'm still thinking about it. I would rather have my ugly green, hand me down, dog smelling, back-cushionless couch in my living room than a couch that does not fit my idea of how I want my living room. I'm pretty sure I get all these tendencies from my Mother.
I find myself putting water in a measuring cup and heating it up, then putting a tea bag into it and letting it sit and steep for a long time like she did. So much so that Tony often asks me why there is tea sitting on the counter and whether or not I'm drinking it. I have to explain that I'm not drinking it now, but plan to at some point.
I was looking at old family pictures (like from my last post) and in all the family pictures (mom, dad, Nate, and me) she never smiles. Never. She does smile when she is holding one of us kids. I know I'm not like her in that way. I love to be with my family (including my hubby). I am happiest when I am with Tony and Holden.
All of this got me thinking about what you do when your dreams have come true. If you have a longtime dream, and it's finally come true--you have all the things you thought you wanted--what do you do then? Make new dreams? Be content? Do you think that contentment breeds complacency? I'm not sure. I do know that when I look around I have most everything I have dreamed of my entire life. Minus the most recent heartaches--but no one plans for those anyway, even though perhaps they should.
This post is getting too long and rambling, so I'm just going to close with: Happy Mother's Day.
If it's not such a happy day for you, I wholeheartedly understand. I'm with you in the ranks of 'just getting by' on Mother's Day. Here is another blog for you to read if this is you.
http://blog.todayschristianwoman.com/editors/2009/05/the_messiness_of_mothers_day.html
No comments:
Post a Comment