Help!

I have this problem...my best friend lives very far away. And I cannot go shopping with her. It's probably for the best because we tend to egg each other on and buy way more than we should when we do go shopping.

But I still miss her because I have been desperately searching for a pair of shoes that do not seem to exist. I have logged about 6 hours online and in stores searching for a pair of brightly colored (not yellow) 2-3 inch dress shoes (pumps or sandals) that have an upper strap so that I can dance in them and aren't too high because what's the point of buying cute shoes if you're just going to take them off? And that do not cost more than $80 (I refuse to spend more than that on stupid shoes).

Complicating matters is that I must find a clutch (purse) that doesn't exactly match but sort of matches so as not to look too matchy. Now if I had my fantastic friend here who is amazing at accessorizing I would perhaps already be done with this task and could go on happily knowing that I will look fantastic at the wedding(s) I have to go to this summer. Assuming of course that I can also fit into the little black dress I am hopefully going to wear.

Writing this it seems that a lot of things have to fall into place for me to actually wear the outfit that is in my head at the moment. But I have faith. I will keep searching and find the perfect shoe. Hopefully it is between now and June 20.

I've resorted to mowing my lawn in a strapless shirt that I use as a bathing suit cover up to get a tan for the aforementioned black dress. Am I straight from the 80's or what? (Also, don't tell my grandma I'm trying to get a tan. Or my mother-in-law. Or my wrinkly old lady hands. They would all be pissed.)

I also keep reading those signs in tanning beds that say, "If you don't get a tan from the sun you won't get a tan from the tanning bed." Do you think these signs were written for me in particular? I'm pretty sure that bronze will never be my color. I do hesitate to try the spray tans though because I think I might turn out looking very much like an oompa loompa.

Speaking of oompa loompas, I generally dislike most childhood movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory & The Wizard of Oz. I mean--really--those oompa loompas are creepy and the flying monkeys are downright scary. I still get freaked out if I watch The Wizard of Oz when it's on once a year.

I need a standout shoe...like those ruby slippers...But I don't want high heeled red shoes with a black dress because I don't want to look like I came from an escort service. I may be thinking about this too much. I tend to think too much, have you noticed?