Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

What I'm feeling right this moment would best be described as soul-gnawing, shrieking pain, pain beyond anything I have experienced. And yet I'm still functioning...and pretty well at that. I've gotten some studying done, and some laundry and dishes, and managed to help care for Holden (his great-grandma is here--see previous post).

I found out today that this brain tumor of my dad's is not going away. Probably ever. Not until it kills him. Mercifully, it is only a stage 2 and not 3 or 4. This does not offer a whole lot of comfort. I don't want to be an orphan before I'm 32 (I'm 27 now, you do the math). Actually, I'm probably being a little over dramatic. The doctor said 50% of people live more than 5 years with this type of tumor. If you want to google it--it's a low-grade glioma, diffuse astrocytoma that has infiltrated into both sides of the brain in the frontal lobe. There is no curing it, only treating it, and eventually, palliative care.

Just typing palliative care makes me feel sick. I've worked in hospice before and seen it. I've worked with Alzheimer's patients too and seen how it is when they lose pretty much everything they know. I don't want my dad to slowly lose his ability to function. Note: This is not Alzheimer's--it's a brain tumor but you can generally expect a slow loss of function as of course the brain tumor will grow and the more it does the more it will affect him.

I feel utterly helpless

I'm sure everyone else in my family does too...but as is the nature of blogging and my obvious narcissism (or I wouldn't be blogging) I'm going to go ahead and focus on myself for just this few minutes here. I think I've earned it this last 3 weeks.

Gosh, I'm feeling sorry for myself huh. It's not pretty.

I am going to wal-mart today to buy some pretty flowers for my porch. And it is a gorgeous day outside--perfect for walking. Holden loves riding in the stroller. He finally started saying "Mama" again yesterday. It's been like 2 months since he would say it. Now I feel positive that he is actually referring to me when he says it.

I have a lot of studying to do so there's no more room for feeling sorry for myself at the moment. Plus, I have lots of other stuff to do around the house. I'm feeling better already. The snippet of the poem above is by Robert Frost. The title of the blog is the title of the poem.
But maybe you already knew that.

I hope you are having a better day than me. But to prove Tony wrong since he always says I am a pessimist I have to say that I know it will get better from here. How can it not when it is so nice outside?